I want to be FREE! I want to be ME!.....

Hi guys!

I want to share with you something I am fighting against at the moment, which I believe majority will relate to.

So as I have said before, I am part of an absolutely amazing group called 'Godllywood' in my church which has and continues to help me towards my goal of becoming the Proverbs 31 woman.

Last month, we were given a task, which revealed something quite deep about myself. The reason I share this now, is because I know this is not a problem only with me but soooooooo many of us actually face this. In particular, a lot of girls! I have split it into two parts as its too long.

So, when I first saw the task, I was asking God, what can I do? What would you like me to learn from this? The answer came - 'To be truly myself'. At first I was like 'Huh?', but I decided to seek more of what He meant.

I started analysing my actions and even my thought pattern and I came to realise that I was actually quite afraid to take bold steps that I would like to take or even God has shown me to take many times because I am afraid of what others will think. Sometimes, what God reveals to me, goes against what everyone else is doing and rather than saying 'Amen God I will obey', I will think and think and end up talking myself out of it because I would think about the fact that : no one else is doing it, God I will look weird, people might think there is something wrong with me, that I am not in faith etc

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I also noticed that even in some decisions I would take, I would not take decisions out of my own faith or even asking the Holy Spirit what I should do, but literally before I would take the decision the first thought in my mind would be : 'What will 'so and so' do?' Then I will think 'Ok, so they seem like they are in faith, so let me do that then' But inside of me sometimes its like the Holy Spirit would not confirm that I should be taking that step, but because I would be so afraid of maybe getting it wrong if I do what I truly think I should do, or I will look strange, I would go ahead and do it anyway.

I realised that this is actually a dangerous attitude as firstly, I could end up following a VERY wrong example, leading me into destruction and also above all, I suppress my availability to the Holy Spirit, God will not have free space to work in and through me.

I had an opportunity to speak to my Big Sister in the group (oh how blessed we are!) and she allowed me to see that when I think or live like this (afraid to take my own decisions or do what God has spoken to me to do) it's because I am not using my faith and depending on God.

More tomorrow :)